How long can I marriage or relationships last in this industry?

TheLegacy · 10-28-2008, 01:29 PM

As you know I have worked in this industry for around 15 years and have seen alot of friendships broken and marriages fallen apart as a direct result of working here. Even lately two people who I considered great friends have split - which shocked me but when one person wishes more from their site or the industry and the other isn't prepared to cross that line - then heals get dug in and without proper counseling, and sacrifices - they're marriages are gone.

Friends are the same way - over the years I have lost people who I considered best friends because of this industry or sex/desire. Guys hit on wifes or girlfriends/models which ultimately gets back to the partner and causes arguments - deals which are misunderstood or favoring one over the other suddenly ruin trust and all the years of building a relationship are gone.

A snapshot over even 2 years ago reveals at least 4 dear friends I have lost and a minimum of 5 marriages/relationships broken as a direct result of this industry and sex. I know that the mainstream is no different - but here - we rely on one another, mostly - we need each other to survive. Mainstream and legal authorities are battling us daily - do we really need to shoot our own wounded?

There are things and situations that have occurred that I can't even forgive because it crossed a line, and revealed that certain people are no different than the scum we have all come to dislike and wish were gone from this industry. Can we honestly run the adult business like a business anymore or is there anything that is considered out of bounds?

Cyndalie · 10-28-2008, 01:42 PM

Hmm, that's tough. I think couples who are TOGETHER in the industry have a better chance than those who keep a spouse on the outside. Pictures, stories, all can be misconstrued, especially at shows where people get very friendly (if not sexally suggestive) with one another. You can forget how appearances can be deceiving no matter how faithful you are. That and jealousy of the freedom and travel one partner may get while the other is left home can be frustrating.

There are relationships I've seen in this biz that have made it through thick and thin. Steve and Shannon, Chris and FunB, hell Brian and I... but the will to stay together and work through hard times is the foundation of marriage and love. Nothing good ever comes easy I always say, especially when two people grow and change over the years, want more, need more, want different, need the same, etc.

I've been wondering where you've been Robert. I hope to hear from you soon. I hope all is well with you.

TheLegacy · 10-28-2008, 01:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cyndalie

I've been wondering where you've been Robert. I hope to hear from you soon. I hope all is well with you.

I am reassessing a few things in my life now - but shortly will be back stronger than ever and plan on being at Vegas Internext with some new stuff that I hope will create some buzz .. I truly do appreciate your love and friendship over the years Cyn text me when you get your new phone

B O B · 10-28-2008, 03:20 PM

I hear you Robert, amazing to see how some think their personal relationships are so important yet cant wait for the next show away from home to jerk off on someone else's wife...

TheEnforcer · 10-28-2008, 04:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by B O B

I hear you Robert, amazing to see how some think their personal relationships are so important yet cant wait for the next show away from home to jerk off on someone else's wife...

How hard is it to be faithful for crying out loud??

Funbrunette · 10-28-2008, 04:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheEnforcer

How hard is it to be faithful for crying out loud??

For some people it seems to be a real challenge. I've been lucky the people I call friends in this biz have always respected me and vice versa. Chris and I met through this biz and have been together for 8 years, are we a rare breed?

I'd like to think were not, but then again I don't have a site and never did content. I'm not sure our relationship would last if I took that road, but I respect Chris and any decision I make affects all three of us (Ryan as well) so people need to have the priorities straight.

My 2 cents!

Panky · 10-28-2008, 05:49 PM

I may peddle porn, but it doesn't define who I am as a person. I can separate porn life from my regular life. I'm comfortable in my private life and we both know what is acceptable behavior and what isn't in the relationship and we respect it.

It sounds cliche, but communication is very important. It took me a bit to figure that out because I've always been the quiet one. I'm so easy going and if something does manage to irritate me, I tend to brush it off to avoid conflict in a relationship. I used to doubt my own instincts on some levels and feared I was one of these whacky hormonal women who goes ballistic over absolutely nothing. Like what I was thinking was all in my head and it was just my insecurities taking over. That's not always such a good thing keeping things quiet and bottled up. As I matured and began to learn to trust my own instincts, gained some experience under my belt with relationships, if I feel something is off, I'll mention it and take it from there. I know who I am and what I will tolerate and not tolerate in a relationship.

In this industry, if I have had enough of the game playing, the "show us your tits crap", the smooth operators, the creeps, and the total pigs from both the males and females, I'll just simply remove myself from the situation. I don't want to cause any attention, make a big production out of it, but I can be pretty blunt if need be. I also won't do anything at shows or gatherings that if it found it's way to F.U.B.A.R., GFY, and/or YouTube, would be totally embarrassing and could jeopardize my private life.

12ClicksMichele · 10-29-2008, 09:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Panky

I may peddle porn, but it doesn't define who I am as a person. I can separate porn life from my regular life. I'm comfortable in my private life and we both know what is acceptable behavior and what isn't in the relationship and we respect it.

It sounds cliche, but communication is very important. It took me a bit to figure that out because I've always been the quiet one. I'm so easy going and if something does manage to irritate me, I tend to brush it off to avoid conflict in a relationship. I used to doubt my own instincts on some levels and feared I was one of these whacky hormonal women who goes ballistic over absolutely nothing. Like what I was thinking was all in my head and it was just my insecurities taking over. That's not always such a good thing keeping things quiet and bottled up. As I matured and began to learn to trust my own instincts, gained some experience under my belt with relationships, if I feel something is off, I'll mention it and take it from there. I know who I am and what I will tolerate and not tolerate in a relationship.

In this industry, if I have had enough of the game playing, the "show us your tits crap", the smooth operators, the creeps, and the total pigs from both the males and females, I'll just simply remove myself from the situation. I don't want to cause any attention, make a big production out of it, but I can be pretty blunt if need be. I also won't do anything at shows or gatherings that if it found it's way to F.U.B.A.R., GFY, and/or YouTube, would be totally embarrassing and could jeopardize my private life.

Amazing post!!

Rochard · 10-28-2008, 07:18 PM

I've been in the industry for ten years or so, all of it while I was married. I still don't do drugs and I still don't fuck around on my wife. Ten minutes of fun isn't worth fucking up the past ten years.

TheLegacy · 10-29-2008, 11:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rochard

I've been in the industry for ten years or so, all of it while I was married. I still don't do drugs and I still don't fuck around on my wife. Ten minutes of fun isn't worth fucking up the past ten years.

Really?

ExLust · 10-29-2008, 02:39 AM

Having a relationship in this industry is hard. I salute those couples who made it stronger and committed. For me life is not complicated. It us who made complications.
If I were to choose I rather be out in this business than breaking a marriage. And start a simple life.

Magnus3x · 10-29-2008, 09:31 AM

My wife and I have a whole life outside of this biz.. different friends, interests and hobbies. If you become over consumed with work/business and take for granted family and relationships, I can see how one may drift. I don't think it matter what industry your in.

RD_Shane · 10-29-2008, 11:16 AM

Great post Robert.
My hubby and I've been married since long before I started in the industry. When I started working in adult we set down and talked about what I did and how he felt. I feel very lucky that I have a really understanding hubby.
When I started going to shows we set down the ground rules. I don't fuck around on him ever, it's just not worth it to me. Sure I flirt a bit and he knows all about it. Any pictures that get taken I find and show them to him and we always get a good laugh no matter what the content of the photos are.
In the end it's all about being open and honest about the limits as well as trust. I've read several posts over the years about how one person wants to attend a show but their sig. other won't let them. I think that in those cases there is underlying problems with the relationships already. If you don't have faith and trust in your partner then you are going to be inclined to distrust that they will do the right thing if faced with an opportunity.

TheLegacy · 10-29-2008, 11:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RD_Shane

Great post Robert.
My hubby and I've been married since long before I started in the industry. When I started working in adult we set down and talked about what I did and how he felt. I feel very lucky that I have a really understanding hubby.
When I started going to shows we set down the ground rules. I don't fuck around on him ever, it's just not worth it to me. Sure I flirt a bit and he knows all about it. Any pictures that get taken I find and show them to him and we always get a good laugh no matter what the content of the photos are.
In the end it's all about being open and honest about the limits as well as trust. I've read several posts over the years about how one person wants to attend a show but their sig. other won't let them. I think that in those cases there is underlying problems with the relationships already. If you don't have faith and trust in your partner then you are going to be inclined to distrust that they will do the right thing if faced with an opportunity.

and how do you deal with industry people (supposed professionals) who cross the line with your sig partner?

RD_Shane · 10-29-2008, 11:43 AM

I've never had to deal with some one crossing the line with my partner thankfully. Though I think that it would depend on exactly what they did to cross the line.
Clearly if they knew that the person was in a committed relationship there is a big issue that has to be dealt with. One being respect. I can't imagine trying to "move in" on some one who's committed to begin with but to do that to some one who I knew is beyond the pale. There are some things that can't ever be forgiven and I like to think most people know that.
For me if some one did cross a line I would want to know what the hell they were thinking when situation X took place. Were they drunk or on drugs?? The other thing I would want to know is what my partner did in return. Were they honest with me about what happened? Did they participate? That however, is a whole different ballgame I suppose.
To answer your question on what I would do if some one did cross a line.. That would be the end of whatever relationships (business or personal) I had with them and I would not want my sig other to be around them again. One trust is broken in that way I'm just not sure it can be regained. I think it just opens up to many questions about trust.

TheLegacy · 10-29-2008, 01:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RD_Shane

To answer your question on what I would do if some one did cross a line.. That would be the end of whatever relationships (business or personal) I had with them and I would not want my sig other to be around them again. One trust is broken in that way I'm just not sure it can be regained. I think it just opens up to many questions about trust.

That was my feeling on the matter as well. Justify it all they want, when they see your partner or someone with you - you don't swoop in simply because you can't keep your dick in your pants

TheEnforcer · 10-29-2008, 02:05 PM

Do you think it's harder in general for people in this indutry to be faithful? I imagine some people think it is but that still doesn't excuse it. matter fo fact I've heard many people actually say they've seen worse stuff go on at mainstream shows. Either way it shouldn't be hard to keep your dick in your pants or your legs crossed.

RD_Shane · 10-29-2008, 03:07 PM

I don't think it's any more difficult for people in adult to be faithful. I think your job has really nothing to do with it. I feel it's more about ones moral compass to be honest. In my mind whether your selling porn or selling insurance has little impact on if you try to cross lines with friends, biz partners or associates.

TheLegacy · 10-29-2008, 03:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RD_Shane

I don't think it's any more difficult for people in adult to be faithful. I think your job has really nothing to do with it. I feel it's more about ones moral compass to be honest. In my mind whether your selling porn or selling insurance has little impact on if you try to cross lines with friends, biz partners or associates.

I do think there is a difference - see in the mainstream world if a guy walked up to your wife or gf even a female in your company they would be charged with sexual harassment. Worst is if they took the girl - got them stoned or drunk and said, "she wanted me all along"... it still isnt cool if she came in with you to rip her away. Bro's before Ho's and in the mainstream world - you would fired just for looking at a girl like some guys do in this industry

Jimmidean · 10-30-2008, 07:11 PM

I have seen it a thousand times in the regular world too.
I am not sure its anymore rampant in this industry then others my friend.
It still boils down to pure trust with your spouse...
Ohhh and pure violence for those who try to pull that shit off on me.
However you are very right about what people get away with in this industry.
Even look at boobs in the office these days and its off to sexual her-ass-ment class

Hope all is well and hope to see you soon.

TheLegacy · 10-31-2008, 04:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jimmidean

I have seen it a thousand times in the regular world too.
I am not sure its anymore rampant in this industry then others my friend.
It still boils down to pure trust with your spouse...
Ohhh and pure violence for those who try to pull that shit off on me.
However you are very right about what people get away with in this industry.
Even look at boobs in the office these days and its off to sexual her-ass-ment class

Hope all is well and hope to see you soon.

Things aren't too bad my friend and I do appreciate your insights and your right - trust vs. respect.

Evil Chris · 11-14-2008, 03:04 PM

Well I hadn't added my comments in here and I figured I finally would chime in.

Much like Fubrunette said, for us it's mainly about trust and respect. Think before you act and ask yourself if this is really ok. If there's any doubt, just do something else.

B O B · 11-14-2008, 04:02 PM

there are some idiots out there in this Biz...forget who their friends are, forget the boundaries...then do something stupid...

LizAEBN · 11-17-2008, 12:14 PM

I haven't found it to be a problem - my SO isn't in the industry, but he does a lot of work in live entertainment (sound and light set up and operation) and has a lot of the same tempations. For us, it's simple: 1) we trust each other implcitly and 2) you don't shit where you eat.

Maybe it's different 'cos I'm a female - I don't have the talent tempation, I suppose - but on the other hand... Well, the opportunities have been there. It's a pretty easy choice to make though, beyond my relationship status: I work with these people, and if I am trying to forge a partnership, it doesn't seem particularly intelligent to derail or get that tangled up with sex.

bluemoney · 11-17-2008, 07:50 PM

I'm not exactly in the biz to the degree most of you are, however I will have been married 25 Years this December.

Yngwie · 11-18-2008, 12:42 AM

Not sure, but I have a gf and she is not in the business, but knows that I'm in the porn business. The first time I met her over 10 years ago I told her what I do for a living and that it wouldn't change no matter what anyone said. She wasn't my gf till 3 years ago, but she has never tries to make me stop what I do. We trust each other 100% and she knows that I would never cheat on her even if I went to the shows. I'm dedicated to her even if at times she's hard to deal with. I wouldn't be able to get myself to cheat on her no matter who offered me sex.

It's just the way I am. When I'm with someone I'm dedicated and committed to that person. If I wanted to fuck around with any chick I wanted I would just have stayed single. As for others in the industry in a relationship they need to things.. Trust and communication.. Without either one of those things will fail. Sometimes you may have to compromise, but if it's way over the line talk about it with the one that you're with and not a 3rd party.

@ people in the industry involved with each other is pretty much the same as 2 people that are not in the industry. Only thing different in this case is that there's porn involved so the trust and communication must be 100+%. And for christ sake! Stop cheating if your want things to work.