Funiest Post Wins $500 worth content....

Taass · 08-15-2003, 06:18 PM

Funiest post wins..Can be anything, Jokes, Pics, Movieclips,Texas Law.. you name it

Price is the $500 socalstreams content package

Contest Runs for the next 24 hours from............NOW !!!

Tip ! Posting nude pics of the sweet webmistresses on this board may or may not help you win..
(All i can suguest is that you try)

DamageX · 08-15-2003, 07:25 PM

Ok, dug through my "Fun stuff" bookmarks, I knew I had some funny shit in there. So here, this one fucking cracks me up big time.

http://www.abyweb.at/n-fact.htm

NetRodent · 08-15-2003, 07:27 PM

wsjb78 · 08-15-2003, 08:50 PM

The other day a guy and his wife went to bed quite early. As soon as they were in it they started touching and caressing each other... after a short while the man got really horny and he thought his wife feels the same, since the whole thing was sexually orientated.
But exact in this moment the woman said to him: "Please stop, I don't feel like having sex. I only want to be strongly embraced by you, ok?"
He almost yelled: "WHAAAT?" And then she replied with those magic words: "You just can't handle the emotional needs of a woman."
He then gave up and fell asleep without having sex that night.

The next day the two of them went shopping in a shopping mall. She saw there thre really beautiful dresses but all of them were quite expensive and she couldn't decided which one she wanted most. Her husband then told her to take all three of them.
At this gesture, she was a bit paralyzed for the moment but then catching herself again she said she would also need new shoes matching those dresses. The man nodded and said with an understanding voice: "That is no problem my love."

After they went on shopping the passed a jeweler. She asked to stop there and see if the they have something nice. She quickly found an elegant necklace with diamonds that perfectly fits her new dresses. And when she looked at her husband he only nodded. If you had seen her at that moment, she was so happy then... Probably she thought her husband has become totally crazy but it didn't mater to her. She was almost sexually aroused.
In that moment she told her husband with her sweetest smile: "Let's go to the check-out and pay."

It was quite difficult for him not to start laughing when he said to her: "No my dear, I think I don't feel like buying all those things."
Her face became totally pale and even more when her husband added: "I only want to be embraced now."
He saw how she became angry and he added: "You know, my dear, you just can't handle the financial needs of a man."

---------------------------

Ok, this was a German - English translation...

Funbrunette · 08-15-2003, 10:17 PM

For some reason this is extremely funny to me!

emmanuelle · 08-15-2003, 10:47 PM

I love the diaper pic, but I have to go with Billy's pic of Good Chris

Funbrunette · 08-15-2003, 10:53 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by emmanuelle
I love the diaper pic, but I have to go with Billy's pic of Good Chris

LMAO!!!!!!!! Chris you're a HOT biatch!

Tkt2Pardse · 08-15-2003, 11:03 PM

OK, not dirty but I still like this one alot.

http://www.ibrooke.com/funpics/bastard.html

Tkt2Pardse · 08-15-2003, 11:05 PM

ok, now for a dirty one.

http://www.ibrooke.com/funpics/sperms.html

webmistress · 08-16-2003, 12:52 AM

Thought it was cute

Ronaldo · 08-16-2003, 02:56 AM

Had to dig this up, 'cause it's still my favorite.

"I'm a 20 year old University student who, to save money lives at home with my parents. After perusing a magazine, I saw an ad for a 12 inch dildo that I thought might be fun to try.

While I was hesitant at first, the company assured their customers that all of their parcels arrived in plain brown wrapping. Having never done anything like this before, I figured I'd give it a shot.

Well about 2 months went by and I forgot about the stupid thing until I arrived at home and my parents informed me that a parcel had come for me. Being the considerate parents that they were, I thought nothing of the fact that they said they put it up in my room.

I went upstairs and to my horror, noticed the toy had indeed arrived. It was in a clear plastic bag with a note attached from the post office that read, "Our most sincere apologies. The packaging for this product was damaged in transit. Sincerely, Canada Post"

-=HUNGRYMAN=- · 08-16-2003, 04:59 AM

ARMAGEDDON !!!

Taass · 08-16-2003, 06:52 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by DamageX
Ok, dug through my "Fun stuff" bookmarks, I knew I had some funny shit in there. So here, this one fucking cracks me up big time.

http://www.abyweb.at/n-fact.htm

*LOL* Gotta love this one !

And I was just about to close this pic before it started laughing

wsjb78 · 08-16-2003, 07:59 AM

Men's Rules

Finally, the guys side of the story. I must admit, it's pretty good.

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends give you.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

>1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

webmistress · 08-16-2003, 08:25 AM

A pool salesman, Hal, had to travel cross country for a meeting with one of his suppliers. This entailed leaving his wife, Vanessa, alone for about four days. This worried Hal, since he had caught Vanessa eyeing men on and off for the last couple of months.

He decided to go down to the mall. They had this neat little sex shop there were he could buy her some sort of playtoy, in hopes of diverting her sexual energy.

The next day he went there on his lunch break. He opens the door and is met immediately by a little Chinese man

"Hewwo, how may I help you?".

"I'm going out of town next week, and I don't trust my wife by herself.
What can you give me to occupy her while I am gone, so she doesn't find another man?"

The little man thinks a second, and then his face lights up,"Oh! I have perfect cure for woman who be horny!"

He goes back through a beaded curtain, and returns a minute later with a dusty, gray shoe-like box, grinning from ear to ear. "This exactly what you need."

Hal looks at the box, so far unimpressed. The little man opens the box and moves over a bit into the light. Hal peers inside, and sees what looks like an ordinary dildo.

"What's so special about that, I can get that anywhere" Hal says. The little mans grin gets even bigger "No No silly American, this Voodoo dick"

"Voodoo dick. What the hell is Voodoo dick?" Says Hal

"You watch closely." replies the little man, and then exclaims "Voodoo dick, the door!" And to Hal's amazement, the dildo slowly levitates out of the box, and heads for the door. When it gets to the door, it lunges back and forth and back and forth at it, reducing it to splinters until nothing is left of it. It then returns to the box and floats gently inside. After
witnessing this, Hal, in total amazement, says "I must have it! It's perfect! How much is it?"

"Two thousand dollar" says the little man. "Two thousand! That's highway robbery!" says Hal.

"OK Mr., if you no want..." "No No, OK, I'll take it" concedes Hal.

"Good" says the little man "Will that be cash or Visa?"

"Check....." says Hal. Hal gets home that evening, and his wife meets him at the door.

"What's in the box?" asks Vanessa.

"Oh nothing" says Hal.

"Please tell me. Please please please...."

"OK, it's for you, a special present." Hal says, and opens the box.
Vanessa glances inside and sees the dildo. "Hal! I already have....oops, I mean, gee what is it?"

"It's a Voodoo dick! When I'm gone, and you get real horny, just open this box, and say 'Voodoo dick - my pussy.' and you'll be completely satisfied" Hal says.

"Hmmm....what will happen?" asks Vanessa

"You'll see....you'll see...." Two days later, Hal's on his trip. Vanessa is getting real horny. She thinks, "Gee, that man that cleans pools for Hal
might be interested...nah I'll try out this Voodoo dick thingamabob."

She goes and gets the box, opens it up, and peers inside. She sets the box down, and gets undressed and sits back on the bed. She reaches part way into the box, and thinks for a moment, and draws her hand back out.

"Voodoo dick! My pussy!" she says.

Voodoo dick floats out of the box, and heads right for her crotch. It gets to her, and enters her, lunging back and forth. She lays back on the bed, thinking that this is the most incredible thing she has ever seen, or *felt*. She has one orgasm, two, three, and it's still going. How does
she get it to stop? Four...five...Oh gees, she's thinks, I have to get this thing to stop.

She gets up, starts for the phone, then thinks. "Nah, I'll have to drive to the hospital, they'll know how to stop it." She puts a dress on, gets the keys to her car, and heads out, all the while Voodoo dick is still going at her. She's in the car driving down the road, having her sixth, no seventh
orgasm, trying to concentrate on the road.

She looks in her mirror and sees flashing red and blue. "Oh shit. A damn cop" She pulls over slowly. The cop walks up to the car

"Good evening, may I see your licence, proof of insurance,
and registration please?"

"S-s-sure officer....it's r-r-r-right h-h-here" She hands it to him.

"Have you been drinking tonight lady?"

"N-n-n-no I haven't O-o-o-officer. I have to get t-t-to the h-h-hospital."

"Are you sick? What's the problem?" the cop says.

"I have a Voodoo dick in my pussy that won't come out."

"A WHAT?" the cop asks again.

"A Voodoo dick.....p-p-p-please..."

The cop thinks about it for a second. Now he's seen it all, he thinks. He looks at her, and says "VOODOO DICK MY ASS!"

emmanuelle · 08-16-2003, 01:19 PM

bob_the_builder · 08-16-2003, 02:00 PM

When you don't have your dildo (?)

Taass · 08-16-2003, 05:09 PM

Just about an hour left...

Still Rather good ods of wining if you got some funny stuff to share

jovigirl · 08-16-2003, 05:49 PM

Here comes my first entry

Taass · 08-16-2003, 05:49 PM

1/2 an hour to go...........

*and that's a bump*

jovigirl · 08-16-2003, 05:55 PM

2nd one

emmanuelle · 08-16-2003, 06:25 PM

"THE OFFICIAL CODE OF MALE CONDUCT"

1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolat.

2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally beaten and killed by his fellow partygoers.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call bullshit. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)

6. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

7. The maximum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

8. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable

9. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional.

10. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

11. Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return is required to grant it.

12. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and, more importantly, the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

13. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem-you didn't see nothin'.

14. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

15. (Gas Warfare Act) you may flatulate in front of a woman only after you've brought her to climax. But if you trap her head under the covers (Dutch Oven) for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

16. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel and it's free.

17. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

18. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

19. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.

20. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting: "Yeah, baby, push it!" "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!" "Another set and we can hit the showers." " Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"

21. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

22. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

23. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him...too gay.

24. Before allowing drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "F@ck OFF!" You are absolved of your of responsibility.

25. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.