The Dysfunctional Section of a Hallmark Store

[Don Soporno]

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now
that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....
(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me.

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably
need it again.

5. Someday I hope to marry...
(Inside card) - Someone other than you.

6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....
(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!

7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

8. We've been friends for a very long time...
(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?

9. I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.

10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?

11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there
was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your
birthday...
(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.

13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia.)

14. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but
wonder...
(Inside card) - What was I thinking?

15. Congratulations on your wedding day!...
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.