Do girlfriends change a guy?

StuartD · 02-22-2003, 02:55 PM

I mean... we all know it. You go out with a girl, and rule #1 is... guy must change.

I have found that I'm being told to do all kinds of stuff, and change everything about myself.

Clothes, hair, diet, feelings (UGH), habbits...

is this how all relationships go?

Easton · 02-22-2003, 03:11 PM

my experience is that a GF usually softens a guy and makes him much less hardcore... aka pussy-whipped!

and in my line of work, that could be very bad news!

Magnus3x · 02-22-2003, 03:24 PM

If you can't be yourself with someone you love or who say's they love you, then brother...that aint love!!!

Of course we have to compromise though..

ric knows nina · 02-22-2003, 07:40 PM

I agree Magnus3x... You will naturally change by constantly being around your partner. So be sure you pick someone with values you'd like to attain.

Again, it should be a natural process, not a forced issue by your partner.

02-22-2003, 07:51 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by ric knows nina
I agree Magnus3x... You will naturally change by constantly being around your partner. So be sure you pick someone with values you'd like to attain.

Again, it should be a natural process, not a forced issue by your partner.

So young, yet, so wise.

Funbrunette · 02-22-2003, 07:57 PM

It all depends on the guy...He's got to have a mind of his own. Of course he's going to change a little, he has to think of his GF now. I did things when I was single that I would never do now that I'm with Chris, and I'm sure it's the same for him! Kids...It's called common sense & mutual respect!

02-22-2003, 07:59 PM

How many psychologist does it take to change a light bulb ?

Only one, but the bulb must have a deep desire to change...

If you read my post about BJ, you'll figure out my opinion in no time.

StuartD · 02-22-2003, 10:43 PM

mutual changing is good... no doubt.

But what about diet... choice of clothes... appearance.

A guy never asks his new girlfriend to change that stuff... guys know better than to question a girl's looks in the first place.

But women seem to insist on these kinds of changes on guys.... why??

Panky · 02-22-2003, 11:41 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by StuartD
mutual changing is good... no doubt.

But what about diet... choice of clothes... appearance.

A guy never asks his new girlfriend to change that stuff... guys know better than to question a girl's looks in the first place.

But women seem to insist on these kinds of changes on guys.... why??

Some women are shallow, insecure, naggers. They have this image of their "perfect" man and they try and mold him into that. It's really not about him. It's how people are going to judge her by hanging around with him. Sometimes to feel good about herself or hold up an "image", she begins not to see the guy for himself. She will try and convert him into her vision of "perfect", thus making her insecurities ease a bit. Women like this will never find their "perfect" man because there will always be something that isn't right.

________________

Some women may say things out of concern for their partner. Maybe health issues or bad habits are taking their tole and she worries. Some women tend to be the nurturers and the glue that holds a family together. She may feel that if things don't change, she may not grow old with her partner or the fear that he can't provide for the family or will not be around for his kids.

Panky
ICQ:51140074

StuartD · 02-23-2003, 02:11 AM

That's what I've always been asking her... why in the world didn't she just go out with some other guy that fit her "criteria" better than I do... if I need to be changed so much?

Juge · 02-23-2003, 04:15 PM

Unfortunately, yes.

Vid Vicious · 02-23-2003, 04:38 PM

Like ric said it has to be natural not pressured. And it's got to be what you'd liek to attain.

Learn from your experiences, If it doesn't feel right and you really do feel like you changing for someone other then yourslef, walk away and don't turn back.

It's a very hard thing to do, but in retrospec you will be proud that you did .. I know I am

StuartD · 02-24-2003, 12:30 AM

So what you're saying is.... if it starts to get to be too much, I should just walk away?

I have to admit... it feels very pointless trying to make her realize that I don't want to change some things... or that... I can't.

XxXotic · 02-24-2003, 12:32 AM

a good woman won't run you..... she'll run with you

02-24-2003, 11:51 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by StuartD
So what you're saying is.... if it starts to get to be too much, I should just walk away?

I have to admit... it feels very pointless trying to make her realize that I don't want to change some things... or that... I can't.

NOTE: for those of you who find my answers too long, I wrote two versions of it.

-------- long answer -------

I suggest you have her read this thread.

We figure out the core of people within the very few minutes of our first interaction with them.

My hypothesis is that you already knew how she was.
Typically, when we choose a partner that is wrong for certain reasons, we know it from the very beginning, but we choose to ignore them believing that they will go away or never surface up.

You are facing a choice. Either to provoke change, in her as well as within yourself, or to split.

It is very common for women to be nagging and pressuring you to be the ideal partner with whom to be seen. She surely is a big part of the problem.

But OTOH, and I mean no insult here, *you* are the other big part of the problem. To her present state of mind, you are problematic, regardless if who's right or wrong the bigger picture.

If you want to keep her, you'll have to bring her within HER frame of mind to reflect and re-evaluate her own behaviours.

It will make it easier for her if you show that you are willing to listen and seriously consider her point. But the discussion should be kept at the level of principles, never be turned into a flame war over annoying factoids of each other's behaviour. That, IMHO, of course.

And if your fundamental outlook on life is too different, then, a split in in order.

Your difficult task is to assess if the qualities for which you choosed her in the first place are worth working for, in the context of things in her (and you) to change and if you think that she has the right stuff for you sharing your life with her.

Changing to fit the psychotic whims of the others is something definitely not to do. OTOH, changing to accomodate a lifestlyle, itself flowing from a philosophy of life that would bring you more happiness, that should seriously be considered.

And if you split, realise that you are likely to make the same mistake over and over again up until it becomes very clear to you what you want and not want out of life.

------- short answer ------

I haven't got a clue!

------------------------------

Alea Jacta Est

Cyndalie · 02-24-2003, 01:04 PM

Damn, the opposite is true in my life.

Hooking up with my man mellowed ME out (I was a bit wild in my days as a professional single) The longer we're together the wilder WE get! He cooled me down and I fired him up LOL

Harmony at last

crazyal · 02-24-2003, 01:44 PM

My Girlfriend Kind of Change me,
Its all good though you kind of have to in relationships to make it more pleasant for one another.

Phoenix · 02-24-2003, 01:48 PM

girls can have a positive influence if you let them...i have been seeing this girl for a few weeks...when i look around my room now it is unbelievable, before i had clothes everywhere...dishes sometimes, i was a slob...now it is spotless, as if she decides to come over here, i dont want her to see my mess.

also...it has prevented me from doing some crazy things...as why go anywhere...when i can just chill at my own home, and get jiggy?

Raya · 02-24-2003, 01:57 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by StuartD
So what you're saying is.... if it starts to get to be too much, I should just walk away?

I have to admit... it feels very pointless trying to make her realize that I don't want to change some things... or that... I can't.

StuartD have her read this post, she may not be open to having others critisize her she sounds like she has her way of doing things and for her it's the right way.

You need to decide if it's right for you. If not walk away. You can't change her and she really souldn't try and change you. Now she may have in her mind, your best intrest in mind. The real question is do you like who you are? Do you want to change? Answer those questions and see what happens.

I have been with people who made me look at things in myself and I have changed because I wanted to change.

If you change to make her happy you could simply become someone you no longer recognize. Change for growth is good change simply to please someone is something else all together.

Purple Haze · 02-24-2003, 02:03 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Funbrunette
It all depends on the guy...He's got to have a mind of his own. Of course he's going to change a little, he has to think of his GF now. I did things when I was single that I would never do now that I'm with Chris, and I'm sure it's the same for him! Kids...It's called common sense & mutual respect!

I totally agree with you Funbrunette. I couldn't have said it better myself.

Purple Haze

NetBabe · 02-24-2003, 04:52 PM

I think for the most part ... it goes both ways, I agree with Funbrunette, there are alot of things I did before that I WOULD NEVER do now, because it is just respect.

Sometimes men have a little trouble and maybe lack of experience in how to treat a woman, and I think you will find from men that have been married a long time you don't change yourself, you just learn what to say, when and how to say it. :}

XxXotic · 02-24-2003, 05:06 PM

but how have you changed? I keep hearing this "I wont do this now, but I did when I was single" do what? fuck random people things like that? that pretty much goes without saying if you're in a monogomous relationship.

whats different now that you have a man/woman?

Funbrunette · 02-24-2003, 07:18 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by XxXotic
but how have you changed? I keep hearing this "I wont do this now, but I did when I was single" do what? fuck random people things like that? that pretty much goes without saying if you're in a monogomous relationship.

whats different now that you have a man/woman?

1. Before planning a trip with my girlfriends, I would talk about it with him first (not to ask him permission, but to show I respect and care for him) When I was single I would just take off whenever without having to consider anyone else. (well, maybe my dog, but that's a little bit different...lol)

2. Without necessarily "fucking random people" you're just not the same when you go out...I make it obvious that I'm not available if I feel another person is coming on to me. I don't flirt as much (I say as much because flirting is actually healthy for both parties)

as I use to when I was single. I was more outgoing and forward...

3. Depending on if you're in a serious relationship or not pretty much everything you do affects the other (like accepting a job in another Country, taking a long vacation with friends...)

You get my drift? It's done automatically when you meet that special someone you care about!

Geez...I sound like Abby...lol

pornodoggy · 02-24-2003, 07:25 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by StuartD
mutual changing is good... no doubt.

But what about diet... choice of clothes... appearance.

A guy never asks his new girlfriend to change that stuff... guys know better than to question a girl's looks in the first place.

But women seem to insist on these kinds of changes on guys.... why??

Maybe a better question is "Why am I always picking women who want to rearrange my life for me?"

StuartD · 02-24-2003, 09:34 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by pornodoggy
Maybe a better question is "Why am I always picking women who want to rearrange my life for me?"

A very good question indeed... still though, I have to wonder why they choose me if I'm so wrong

Panky · 02-24-2003, 09:51 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by StuartD
A very good question indeed... still though, I have to wonder why they choose me if I'm so wrong

It's not YOU that is actually wrong. Either she loves you for who you are, or she doesn't. If she doesn't love you and accept you for you, then get rid of her.

Maybe you should give her a dose of her own medicine?

Some people think they can change a person. That person somehow needs "fixing". Since when are they "perfect" that they think they have the right to try and change someone else?

Panky

Darin · 02-24-2003, 11:36 PM

I think women who try and CHANGE their man after they get together is stupid.

First of all, the two of you were somehow attracted to eachother based on the way YOU ARE. The friends you have, the clothes you wear, etc.

If she don't like you the way you are, tell her to take a hike.

Reverendpoon · 02-25-2003, 01:09 AM

Stuart, it has been my experience that some girls feel they need to change their men into what they percieve to be their ideal mate. My personal theory is that if you have to change someone to fit your mold then they are not for you in the first place. Just MHO take it for what it is worth.

adamneve · 02-25-2003, 02:54 AM

it all depends on both of how much you want
each other, not only you are going to change
but she also has to change a little.
I quit smoking for my gf and for that i thank her a lot
but not just that it's everything:

XxXotic · 02-25-2003, 01:05 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Reverendpoon
Stuart, it has been my experience that some girls feel they need to change their men into what they percieve to be their ideal mate. My personal theory is that if you have to change someone to fit your mold then they are not for you in the first place. Just MHO take it for what it is worth.

i wonder how much that "father figure" theory comes into play. women looking for men who remind them of their fathers...