On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, 
the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude 
and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and 
to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants." 
 
 
 On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your 
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's 
something we'd like to have." 
 
 
 There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways 
out of this airplane." 
 
 
Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed 
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." 
 
 
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, 
a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" 
 
 
 
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a 
 flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care 
when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, 
sure as hell everything has shifted." 
 
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend 
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your 
face. 
If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before 
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small 
child .... pick your favorite." 
 
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, 
but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and 
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." 
 
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is 
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. 
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!" 
 
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt 
Lake  City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was 
quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell 
you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't 
 the flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!" 
 
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the 
terminal." 
 
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to 
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the 
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal 
tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways." 
 
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a 
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over 
the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. 
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The 
weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful 
flight. Now, sit back and relax - OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed and 
after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 
Ladies an d Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, 
while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee 
and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my 
pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the 
back of mine! 
